Why You Feel Compelled to Manage Everything (and How to Stop Feeling So Depleted)

Many high‑functioning professionals with ADHD experience chronic anxiety, emotional exhaustion, and burnout at work despite being capable, successful, and driven.

If you feel constantly responsible for preventing problems, managing others, or maintaining control in chaotic environments, you may be experiencing ADHD trauma responses at work—a form of work‑related trauma response—rather than simple stress. Over time, this pattern can lead to nervous system dysregulation, increased anxiety symptoms, digestive issues, and disrupted sleep. Understanding how ADHD, trauma, and workplace stress intersect is often the first step toward healing.

How a Trauma Response Shows Up in the Workplace

A trauma response is your body’s automatic attempt to keep you safe. When your work environment feels unpredictable or unsafe—due to poor leadership, constant urgency, or frequent crises—your nervous system may remain stuck in fight‑or‑flight mode.

Common trauma‑based behaviors at work include:

• Over‑functioning or over‑managing
• Difficulty delegating or stepping back
• Hypervigilance and constant problem‑solving
• Anxiety that worsens when trying to relax
• Step in quickly to reduce chaos

For many people, this pattern began earlier in life, when being highly aware, responsible, or constantly “on top of things” was necessary to feel safe. Over time, these behaviors become automatic. They are often rooted in childhood trauma, developmental trauma, or unmet emotional needs, particularly in families where ADHD runs in families. When caregivers had undiagnosed or untreated ADHD, children often adapted by becoming hyper‑vigilant, over‑responsible, or emotionally attuned in order to maintain stability. The problem is that what once protected you can later drain you.

In adulthood, these early adaptations can resurface as ADHD trauma responses at work, driving over‑functioning, anxiety, and burnout—especially in high‑demand or unpredictable environments.

Why Over‑Functioning Leads to Burnout and Anxiety

Over‑functioning, often driven by ADHD trauma responses at work, keeps the nervous system activated. Over time, this can result in:

• Chronic anxiety and low mood
• IBS and stress‑related digestive symptoms
• Insomnia or nighttime hyperarousal
• Emotional exhaustion and depletion

This is not a failure of coping skills—it is a trauma‑driven stress response that your body has not yet learned it can turn off.

Why “Just Doing Less” Feels Impossible

You may logically know that you cannot keep operating at this pace. Yet when you try to step back, your body reacts. In individuals experiencing ADHD trauma responses at work, attempts to disengage often trigger increased anxiety. This occurs because the nervous system has learned to associate stepping back, slowing down, or relinquishing control with danger rather than safety.

Common reactions include:

• A surge of fear or urgency
• Physical discomfort, increased tension or pain, or GI symptoms
• A sense that something bad will happen if you don’t intervene
• Difficulty sleeping or turning your mind off when you don’t intervene
• Racing thoughts or catastrophic thinking

This isn’t weakness or lack of willpower. It’s your nervous system responding as if disengaging equals danger. Your body isn’t resisting change—it’s trying to protect you based on past experiences.

The Real Goal: Reducing Nervous System Depletion

The goal is not to stop caring or stop working hard. The goal is to reduce over‑engagement so your nervous system can recover.

By learning how to do less without feeling unsafe, you allow your body to rebuild energy, regulate stress hormones, and improve emotional resilience.

When ADHD Is Part of the Picture

For some individuals, underlying ADHD further intensifies this cycle. When ADHD is present but untreated, the brain must work significantly harder to maintain focus, organization, and emotional regulation—especially in high‑demand or chaotic environments—often reinforcing ADHD trauma responses at work and accelerating anxiety, over‑functioning, and burnout.

This added cognitive load can:

• Increase baseline anxiety and mental fatigue
• Worsen over‑functioning and over‑control
• Reduce tolerance for uncertainty or unfinished tasks
• Accelerate burnout and nervous system depletion

In these cases, the nervous system may rely even more heavily on hypervigilance and constant engagement just to keep up.

How Treating ADHD Can Support Trauma Recovery and Reduce Burnout

For some individuals experiencing chronic anxiety, over‑functioning, and work‑related burnout, underlying ADHD can significantly amplify nervous system strain—particularly in fast‑paced or chaotic work environments.

When ADHD is present but untreated, the brain must expend far more energy to maintain focus, organization, and emotional regulation. Over time, this constant cognitive effort can worsen anxiety, increase depletion, and reinforce trauma‑based patterns of hypervigilance and over‑control.

At Morrison Clinic Psychiatry, a Texas‑based virtual psychiatry practice, we specialize in the accurate diagnosis and evidence‑based treatment of ADHD with medication across the lifespan. For patients in this population, treating ADHD with medication can offer meaningful benefits, such as:

• Improved executive functioning, making it easier to prioritize, delegate, and tolerate unfinished tasks
• Reduced cognitive overload, which often lowers baseline anxiety and irritability
• Greater mental clarity and energy efficiency, decreasing overall depletion
• Increased ability to pause rather than react, reinforcing trauma‑informed behavioral change
• Improved executive functioning, making it easier to prioritize, delegate, and tolerate unfinished tasks
• Increased capacity to pause rather than react, supporting trauma‑informed behavioral change

When the brain is better supported, the nervous system often does not need to rely as heavily on hypervigilance and over‑control to function. For some patients, this creates more internal safety, allowing trauma‑related patterns to soften and making therapeutic work—such as boundary setting or trauma‑informed therapy—more accessible.

Medication does not resolve trauma, but for the right patient, treating ADHD can reduce the background noise that keeps the nervous system in a constant state of effort and urgency.

Taking the Next Step

If you recognize yourself in this pattern and wonder whether ADHD may be contributing, a thorough assessment can provide clarity and options.

YOU CAN:

Schedule a comprehensive ADHD and psychiatric evaluation

Explore ADHD in more depth 

Learn more about Morrison Clinic Virtual Psychiatry ADHD Treatment

Read about Amy Morrison’s treatment philosophy

Morrison Clinic Psychiatry provides virtual care throughout Texas, integrating ADHD treatment within a trauma‑informed psychiatric approach.

How to Start Healing a Trauma Response at Work: Beyond medication

Start With Awareness of Trauma Triggers

Notice when work situations activate urgency, anxiety, or a need to control. Identifying trauma triggers helps interrupt automatic stress responses. What’s happening around you? What do you feel in your body? Awareness alone begins to loosen the pattern.

Practice Gradual Disengagement

Instead of withdrawing completely:

• Pause before responding. Use this time to take deep grounding breaths and consciously delay your response
• Let others sit with discomfort longer. Intervene less frequently.
• Delegate more intentionally.
• Step in at 80–90% instead of 100%

Small changes help retrain the nervous system without overwhelming it.

Ask If You Feel Safe

When anxiety arises, ask:

• “Do I feel unsafe right now?”
• “What am I afraid will happen if I stop managing?”

This separates present‑day stress from trauma memory.

Pay Attention to Somatic Symptoms

IBS, muscle tension, fatigue, and insomnia are signs of chronic nervous system activation, not personal weakness. They often indicate that your environment is demanding more than your nervous system can sustainably give.

Reinforce Safety Through Experience: Notice What Doesn’t Happen

Each time you do less and survive the discomfort, your nervous system learns that disengagement does not equal danger. This is how your nervous system slowly learns that stepping back can be safe.

After doing less, reflect:

• Did the feared outcome actually occur?
• Did others manage without you?
• Was the result tolerable, even if imperfect?

When Insight Isn’t Enough- Trauma‑Informed Therapy Is Helpful

For many people, understanding these patterns intellectually doesn’t fully resolve them. Trauma-informed therapies—such as EMDR—can help retrain the nervous system so it no longer reacts as if disengagement is dangerous.

Healing isn’t about forcing change. It’s about helping your body feel safe enough to choose something different. Trauma‑informed therapy, including EMDR therapy and somatic approaches, can help:

• Rewire trauma‑based stress patterns
• Reduce anxiety and hypervigilance
• Improve sleep and physical symptoms
• Restore a sense of internal safety

These therapies focus on healing the nervous system, not just managing symptoms.

Final Thought

If your body won’t let you relax, it may not be broken—it may be trying to protect you. Anxiety, burnout, and exhaustion are often signs of a nervous system doing its best to protect you. Learning to listen, respond with compassion, and gradually do less can be a powerful step toward reclaiming your energy and well-being.

Healing begins with awareness, compassion, and gradual change—not forcing yourself to “push through.”

A Reflection Guide for CPTSD Assessment and Nervous System Awareness

If you’re preparing for a CPTSD assessment or trying to better understand your trauma responses, this guide is designed to help you pause, reflect, and gather meaningful insight about how your nervous system responds to stress and perceived threat.

This is not a test. There are no right or wrong answers. The purpose is awareness.

Why This Reflection Matters

Trauma responses are not character flaws or personal failures. They are automatic survival strategies your nervous system learned during times when safety, protection, or support were limited or unavailable.

By noticing how these responses show up in your body, thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, you and your clinician can better understand what your nervous system has learned to do to keep you safe—and how it might be supported in learning new patterns.

You can use this reflection:

• Before an upcoming CPTSD assessment
• To prepare for therapy sessions
• Ongoing, to track patterns and notice shifts over time

How Trauma Survival Responses Work in the Nervous System

Your brain and central nervous system (CNS) are programmed to respond immediately when they detect a threat to safety or survival. This happens automatically, without conscious thought.

A simple example

Imagine you trip while walking down the stairs.

Before you have time to think:

• Your body grabs the railing
• Your brain generates the thought “I could fall and get seriously hurt or die”
• You feel a surge of fear

These happen together. The nervous system sends:

• A physical survival response (grabbing the rail)
• A cognitive message (a danger‑based thought)
• An emotional signal (fear)

When the threat passes and safety is restored, the nervous system releases this activation and the body returns to baseline.

What Happens With Trauma

With chronic or overwhelming trauma—especially when escape, protection, or support were not possible—the nervous system may not fully complete or release this survival response.

As a result, the brain may continue sending similar messages even when no immediate danger is present.

These messages often show up as:

• Core negative feelings: powerlessness, unsafety, or a sense of being damaged or defective
• Negative cognitions: “I’m not safe,” “I’m helpless,” “Something is wrong with me”
• Hypervigilance: constant scanning for danger, rejection, or failure
• Somatic activation: tension, agitation, shutdown, numbness, or exhaustion

When this activation persists, people may experience ongoing physical symptoms, distressing thoughts, and emotional reactions that feel confusing, overwhelming, or disconnected from the present moment.

Understanding Trauma Survival Modes (CPTSD)

Your nervous system developed different survival modes to cope with threat. These modes can shift depending on what the nervous system believes will keep you safest.

Use the handout below as a reflection guide.
You may notice overlap—many people move between modes.

How to use this guide

• Rank core feelings from 1–3 (1 = most intense, 3 = least intense)
• Check any thoughts, emotions, or body signals that fit
• Add your own experiences where noted

A Gentle Reminder

These patterns are nervous‑system survival responses, not signs of weakness or failure. They developed to help you endure what was once overwhelming.

Noticing them with curiosity—rather than judgment—is a powerful step toward healing, regulation, and change.

If you’re working with a clinician, this awareness can support deeper understanding and more targeted treatment during your CPTSD assessment and beyond.

Understanding the Issue

You may have noticed that, at times, you feel responsible for the happiness, problems, or responsibilities of others in your life. You should consider if there are people in your life that have noticed your sensitivity to being misunderstood or judged and if they are using that sensitivity to condition you to take on their responsibilities. If that is occurring use the FOG tool to help you identify when you may be being misused or manipulated as it is a common tactic employed against people pleasers.

What is FOG? —Fear, Obligation, and Guilt—

Fear: 

You might worry about what will happen if you don’t do what someone wants. Will they retaliate, undermine, or harm you. You could worry or fear they will be upset, act out, or withdraw.

“Something bad will happen if you don’t do this.”

Obligation:

You may feel like you “owe” them, responsible to manage their disappointment or emotions, or that it’s your job to be available or to fix their problems.

“You have to—this is your responsibility.”

Guilt:

You may feel bad for saying no or for putting your own needs first. Feelings of guilt and shame can make it difficult to assert your needs.

“You’re hurting me if you don’t comply.”

How to Recognize When This is Happening

• You feel anxious or uncomfortable saying no.
• You feel confused, resentful, or conflicted saying yes.
• You notice you’re always trying to keep the peace, even at your own expense.
• You feel responsible for someone else’s feelings or outcomes.
• You feel guilty or selfish when you try to set boundaries.

Steps You Can Take

Pause and Notice: 

When you start to feel fear, obligation, or guilt, take a moment to ask yourself, “Is this feeling coming from me, or am I being influenced to feel this way?”

Name the Pattern: 

Remind yourself, “This is FOG. I am being made to feel responsible for something that isn’t mine.”

Identify your need:

Focus solely on identifying what you need, without factoring in the other person’s feelings, expectations, or reactions. Clearly define your need in your own words. Choose a way to meet your need that does not depend on the other person’s involvement, approval, or behavior.

Set Boundaries: 

Practice saying things like, “I am not available, but I trust you are capable of finding someone to support you.” “I care about you, but I am not responsible for your choices,” or “I need to take care of myself right now.”

Allow Yourself to Say No: 

Remember, it’s okay to say no, even if it feels uncomfortable at first. If you were conditioned to be pleasing then you will need to rewire your brain that it is safe to say no.

Reflect After Interactions: 

Take time to journal or think about how you felt during and after the conversation. Did you notice FOG? How did you respond?

Practice Self-Compassion:

 Be kind to yourself as you learn these new skills. It’s normal to feel uneasy at first, but with practice, it will get easier.

Do Not Self Abandon:

Work on being 100% comfortable with the other person labeling you as a villian. Trust your truth. Trust that healthy people will see your truth.

Golden Bridge Communication Method

FOG doesn’t invite discussion. It corners you emotionally, making it hard to think clearly or respond calmly. Research from crisis communication and healthcare settings shows that people become most upset not from bad outcomes, but from conflicting messages, emotional pressure, or loss of trust. 1

That’s where the Golden Bridge comes in.

What Is the Golden Bridge?

The Golden Bridge is a short, neutral way of responding that allows you to exit a coercive interaction without escalating it.

It’s called a “bridge” because it doesn’t argue, justify, or comply—it simply moves the conversation to safety.

Importantly, the Golden Bridge is not about winning, convincing, or fixing the other person. It’s about protecting your nervous system and preventing distress from spiraling.

Why Pressure Makes Things Worse

When someone uses fear, obligation, or guilt, your brain shifts into threat mode. In that state:

• Reasoning narrows
• Emotions intensify
• Compliance may happen—but at the cost of abandoning your needs resulting in resentment, shame, or exhaustion

Decades of work in crisis settings show that coercion and emotional pressure increase distress, while calm, predictable communication reduces it 1. Even well‑intended pressure (“I’m only saying this because I care”) can backfire.

This is true across many environments—medical crises, family conflict, and emotionally charged conversations—where trust erodes fastest when people feel pushed rather than respected 2.

How the Golden Bridge Helps

The Golden Bridge works because it does less, not more.

It is:

• Simple – easy to remember when emotions are high
• Unengaging – it doesn’t invite debate or emotional negotiation
• Non‑coercive – it refuses fear, obligation, and guilt as motivators

Instead of escalating the moment, it lowers the temperature.

Healthcare research consistently shows that people calm more quickly when communication is predictable, respectful, and emotionally neutral, rather than persuasive or urgent 3.

What the Golden Bridge Is Not

It is not:

• Explaining yourself
• Apologizing to keep the peace
• Reassuring the other person emotionally
• Problem‑solving in the moment

In fact, studies of crisis response show that trying to “fix” things too quickly can unintentionally make people feel more trapped or hopeless 4.

Sometimes the most stabilizing response is simply not adding more pressure.

Why It Works So Quickly

FOG works by speed—it creates urgency so you feel you must respond immediately. The Golden Bridge counters this by being pre‑decided. You don’t have to think. You don’t have to defend yourself.

Calm, consistent communication—especially when emotions are high—has been shown to reduce distress and build trust across medical, family, and crisis situations 5.

In other words, the Golden Bridge works because it’s boring. And boring is calming.

The Takeaway

When fear, obligation, and guilt show up, the problem isn’t disagreement—it’s coercion.

The Golden Bridge gives you a way to:

• Step out of emotional pressure
• Protect your sense of autonomy
• Reduce distress without escalating conflict

It’s not about being cold or uncaring. It’s about recognizing that connection can’t happen when someone feels cornered.

Sometimes the most compassionate move—for everyone involved—is to build a bridge to safety and walk across it.

2 Step Process to Employ Golden Bridge Communication

Step 1: Call out the behavior in a non threatening and non engaging manner:

• Question if the other person is wanting you to feel fear, obligation, or guilt in a non confrontational way.
  • Example: “I know I must be wrong because I can’t imagine you would do this, but are you wanting me to feel obligated to bill hours when this no billable work to do?”

Step 2: Provide them a golden bridge to escape and de-escalate:

• Provide them an easy escape to the admirable person you expect them to be that defuses and de-escalates.
  • “I must be wrong. Your integrity is impeccable and admire you as a leader so I can’t imagine that you are directing me to create unnecessary billable hours for the client.”

Download the Morrison Clinic Psychiatry Handout: The Golden Bridge: How to Disarm Fear, Obligation, and Guilt Without Escalation

Video of CIA Spy Explaining Golden Bridge Communication

In this video, Chase Hughes—a former CIA operative and expert in behavioral psychology—describes using this exact technique while working in high‑risk environments with narcissistic and coercive individuals. These were situations where emotional pressure, manipulation, and power imbalance were not occasional—they were constant and extreme.

What’s striking is not that the Golden Bridge worked there, but why it worked. In environments designed to provoke fear, obligation, and guilt, engaging emotionally or trying to “win” only escalated danger. The safest move was often the simplest one: calm, neutral, unengaging communication that removed emotional leverage altogether.

@steven This is how you can disarm a narcissist 👀 #Diaryofaceo #podcast #clips #podcastclips #viral #development #selfdevelopment #selfdevelopment #mindset #growth #bodylanguage #narcissist ♬ original sound – The Diary Of A CEO

If a method can reliably reduce conflict and distress under those conditions—where stakes are high and manipulation is deliberate—imagine the impact it can have in everyday life.

Most of us aren’t dealing with spies or interrogations. We’re dealing with difficult family dynamics, workplace pressure, emotionally charged relationships, or moments where someone pushes us using urgency, guilt, or moral pressure. The same principles apply, just at a lower volume.

The Golden Bridge isn’t about being cold or passive. It’s about recognizing when a conversation has shifted from connection to coercion—and choosing a response that protects your nervous system instead of feeding the pressure.

When you stop engaging with fear, obligation, and guilt, distress drops. And when distress drops, clarity and choice return.

Much of modern stress is fueled by an invisible ladder we carry in our minds. At work, in social settings, and even in our private thoughts, we unconsciously rank ourselves and others—who matters more, who has authority, who should be impressed, who must not disappoint. Over time, this hierarchical thinking quietly erodes autonomy and replaces choice with pressure.

A helpful way to disrupt this pattern is by adopting what we call a “nobody‑to‑nobody” mindset.

What Is the “Nobody‑to‑Nobody” Mindset?

This mindset does not mean you lack value or purpose. Instead, it reframes social roles, titles, and status markers as psychological constructs, not measures of inherent worth. In a “nobody‑to‑nobody” interaction, two people meet as equally human—equally limited, equally deserving of dignity, and equally entitled to autonomy.

When hierarchy dissolves, so does much of the fear that drives over‑performance, people‑pleasing, and chronic self‑monitoring.

Why Hierarchical Thinking Feels So Trapping

Hierarchical thinking ties identity to performance. When worth depends on rank, approval, or productivity, every interaction carries an evaluative threat. The nervous system responds as if something essential is at stake, leading to anxiety, avoidance, or burnout.

Over time, individuals may feel “stuck” in roles they no longer choose freely—especially in work environments where expectations are implicit but relentless or social settings where they feel insecure.

Decentering Identity From Role

One of the most powerful shifts in the “nobody‑to‑nobody” approach is learning to separate who you are from what you do. You are not your title, output, or reputation. Roles can be performed well or poorly; your humanity remains unchanged.

This decentering allows people to engage more thoughtfully rather than reactively. When status no longer defines the self, choices become clearer and more intentional.

How This Mindset Restores Autonomy

When social hierarchy loosens its grip:

• External pressure decreases
• Fear of evaluation softens
• Decision‑making feels less urgent and more deliberate
• Personal agency returns

People often describe feeling lighter, more grounded, and more capable of saying no—or yes—without self‑betrayal.

A Quick Reset

When you notice pressure, judgment, feelings of inadequacy, or the urge to perform, pause and silently repeat 3 times:

“Nobody to nobody.


Two humans, no ranks.


I choose freely.”

Take one slow breath between each line, then respond from that calmer, non‑hierarchical stance.

This brief reset helps shift the nervous system out of threat mode and back into choice.

How to Practice the “Nobody‑to‑Nobody” Mindset

1. Notice hierarchical thinking 

Begin by identifying moments when you automatically rank yourself or others (e.g., “They matter more than me,” “I should be impressing them,” “My worth depends on this role or title”).

2. Name hierarchy as a mental construct 

Remind yourself that social roles, titles, and status markers are human‑made systems—not measures of inherent worth or authority over your inner life.

3. Apply the “nobody‑to‑nobody” reframe 

Intentionally reframe the interaction as one human relating to another human:

• You are a person, not a role.
• They are a person, not a rank.
• Neither of you has more intrinsic value or control over the other’s autonomy.

4. Decenter identity from performance 

Practice separating who you are from how you perform. Your value does not increase or decrease based on productivity, approval, or evaluation.

5. Reduce evaluative threat 

When pressure arises, ask: “Am I reacting to an actual demand, or to a belief that I’m being judged or ranked?” Use the reframe to lower perceived threat and urgency.

6. Reclaim choice and agency 

After reframing, consciously choose how you want to respond rather than reacting from obligation, fear, or hierarchy‑based expectations.

7. Practice consistently 

Apply this mindset in low‑stakes interactions first, then gradually in work or authority‑related situations as it becomes more automatic.

Download the Morrison Clinic Psychiatry Restoring Autonomy handout for a deeper, practical guide to applying the “Nobody‑to‑Nobody” mindset in daily life.

Final Thoughts

You don’t need to climb higher, prove more, or earn your right to exist with ease. By meeting others—and yourself—from a “nobody‑to‑nobody” stance, you can step off the ladder entirely and reclaim the freedom that comes from being human first, always.

If this way of thinking resonates, it can be practiced gradually and applied wherever hierarchy has quietly taken over—work, relationships, or the inner critic itself.

By: Amy Morrison PA-C at morrisonclinic.com

Journaling as a Pathway to Emotional Awareness

Journaling can be a powerful tool for making sense of both the world around us and our own inner experiences. Yet, for many, the act of starting to write can feel daunting—faced with a blank page, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed and unsure where to begin. In my recent article, “In My House We Believe in Talking About Emotions,” I explored the importance of emotional wellness and the value of being able to identify and name our feelings. I included a helpful visual—the emotion wheel—which organizes a wide range of both pleasant and unpleasant emotions. While this tool is incredibly useful, it can also feel a bit intimidating at first glance. Taking time to get to know yourself and your emotional landscape can make using the emotion wheel much more approachable.

The Emotion Worksheet: A Practical Tool

One resource I’ve found especially helpful is the emotion worksheet. This worksheet is designed to guide you through the process of exploring your feelings. With regular use, it can help you become more attuned to your emotions and how they show up in your life. The worksheet encourages you to connect your feelings with your thoughts, physical sensations, and behaviors. Sometimes, you might notice a change in your behavior or a physical sensation before you even realize what you’re feeling. This tool can help you trace those reactions back to the underlying emotion. 

Understanding the Link Between Emotions and Behavior

By observing how your emotions influence your thoughts, body, and actions, you can begin to reduce the intensity of difficult feelings. The more you understand your own emotional responses, the quicker you’ll be able to recognize what you’re experiencing—and the easier it will become to manage those emotions in a healthy way. Remember, predictability is empowering. By establishing a framework to explore your feelings and behaviors, you can create a sense of predictability for yourself as you begin to notice patterns in your actions and emotions.

Don’t Forget to Explore Positive Emotions

This worksheet isn’t just for processing challenging emotions. Imagine how beneficial it could be to use it to reflect on positive feelings as well. Instead of rushing past moments of happiness or contentment, you can take time to savor and fully experience them. Focusing on your positive emotions can enhance your overall sense of wellbeing. Picture yourself pausing to really notice and appreciate the good moments in your day—how much more fulfilling could life feel?

A Simple Challenge for the Week Ahead

I invite you to try this exercise over the next week: each day, spend a few minutes reflecting on one positive and one negative emotion you experienced. Approach this practice with curiosity rather than judgment, and see what insights emerge. My hope is that you’ll find this process both enlightening and rewarding.

Why are the holidays so stressful?

One word.  PRESSURE.  We place so much pressure on ourselves around the holiday season.  Pressure to decorate the house and make everyone’s favorite food.  We feel obligated  to spend hoards of money on the perfect presents.   We feel pressured to be the perfect family for the Christmas Card photo you send out each year.   Then there is the pressure to keep the house clean as guests come and go.  When you think about it, all of this pressure is really quite silly.

The holidays are about carving time out of our busy lives to spend time with the people you love and cherish.  The people who love and cherish you don’t care if your house is dirty.  They don’t care what present you buy them.  If you were too tired to make their favorite pie, they will understand.   The people that matter in your life care about you as much as your care about them.   They also want to spend time with you.  I encourage you to start this holiday season with more reasonable expectations.  Sit down and consider what is important to YOU.   Make a list of what stresses you out about the holidays and see if you can eliminate some of those stressors.  Then talk to your loved ones and let them know the changes you are going to make and why.  Tell them how you feel and ask them for their help in keeping you accountable.   Let them know you are going to keep your focus on quality time with friends and family.  Remind them that you will be staying within your budget.  Most importantly, give yourself permission to not try to please everyone else.

How can you decrease your obligations?

Our friends and family pressure us into holiday activities and gatherings.    Don’t get me wrong.  I love so many of my family’s holiday traditions.   But a few years ago, I decided to make a change.  During the fall and winter there is a constant succession of holidays from Halloween to New Years.   You hardly finish putting up the decor for one before you end up taking it down and replacing it with another holiday theme.   I realized that my life was busy enough, that I really didn’t need the extra pressure.   I knew I had to make a change so that the holidays would be refreshing instead of exhausting.

Pick your favorite holiday

I decided to pick MY favorite holiday.  I did not lot the expectations of anyone else in the family influence my decision.  For once I was completely selfish.   I chose Christmas.  It has always been my favorite holiday.  The shopping, pretty wrapping paper, and smells of cinnamon tea make my heart happy.    I love the color scheme, decorating the tree, and riding the Polar Express train.   The city becomes alive with beautiful lights, glittery ornaments, and giant green Christmas trees.   Christmas makes me feeling like a kid again.  I want to believe.   I cannot get enough of Elfie, our Elf on the Shelf.  Scheming his crazy antics is a great way to end a long and stressful day.   I’m often so proud of myself that I have to take pictures to send to my friends and family.

  So now I no longer decorate the house for any holiday except Christmas.  I start slowly and gradually putting up the Christmas decor in early November.  Gone are the days of tearing down Thanksgiving and throwing up Christmas decor 30 days before the holiday.  Now I don’t rush or succumb to the pressure.  I decorate for myself and the joy it brings me.    If no one else appreciates it, then that is ok.  If someone wanted it done differently than they are welcome to do it themselves.  The pressure is off because I am only trying to please myself.

Decide to expect less from other holidays

I am super laid back about the other holidays.  I do not get worked up and I do not have any expectations.  If Halloween falls in the middle of the week and is too much to take on then we go trunk or treating the weekend before.   I love to go pumpkin patches, but we have not been in several years.  There has not been enough time in between the kid’s other activities.  On a slow weekend, we will pick up pumpkins from the grocery store and paint them at the house.

Thanksgiving comes and goes and I focus on spending time with the family.   I do not really care what we eat or where we go.  I just want to see my aunts, uncles, and cousins that we do not get to see very often.  Thanksgiving Day is often spent at my Aunt’s house mapping our Black Friday assault plan and watching the dog show.

How to host holiday dinners with less stress

When I started hosting Christmas dinner for my extended family I came up with some ground rules.   If I was hosting then I had to make it work for me.   It had to be enjoyable and not a chore.  My focus for the family dinner is to transform my house into the magic of Christmas.    I LOVE holiday decor and the way I feel inside a beautifully decorated room.  That is my focus.  I have elaborate themed decor that I work on for weeks.  It is a creative outlet for me.

My Christmas Party is beautiful once you walk into my house.  I do not like putting up Christmas lights.  It is a beating.  It does not bring me joy.  While I appreciate the beauty of lights, I do not want to pay someone or do it myself.  So, if anyone else in the family wants to do it, they are welcome to.

Cook Less

I do not like cooking.  While I am good at it, it is not my passion.   It is not how I show love to my family.  The dinner I host at my house is a potluck.  Everyone signs up on Sign-up Genius to bring a side dish and a dessert.  If someone shows up to the house and their food is not prepared then I point them in the direction of the oven or stove.   I keep a bucket of disposable utensils that they can use to prepare and serve their dishes.

Are you ready for this last part?  I DO NOT MAKE A TURKEY.  I do make ham and meat dish.  The thing is, I personally do not like turkey or stuffing.   Which is why making a turkey is a commitment that I am not willing to make.   The time prepping, cooking, carving, and cleaning up after is too much for me to take on.  I would be a hot, frazzled mess.  The day would not be enjoyable for me and I would become resentful.   Now I do realize that other people don

‘t feel like Christmas is the same without turkey.  However, I recognize that it is not my duty to create everyone else’s perfect holiday.  I am very open with my family by letting them know my limitations.  I also let them know that I will not be offended by anyone else making the turkey and bringing it on over.

Clean less

I do not like to clean.  My priority is to keep a tidy house that is clutter free.   I believe in the theory that the house doesn’t get messy if you clean up after yourself as you go.   So, I am not the kind of person who deep cleans their house.  I have a maid who comes every other week to do that for me.  My time is valuable and I would rather be spending it with my kids than cleaning.  Around the holidays this does not change.  The maid comes the Thursday before the party.   I refuse to do any heavy cleaning after she has come.  Instead I restrict myself to cleaning up any messes as they occur.  If I have time, I might vacuum.  I have two kids ages 6 and 9, so I set the bar low.  The house needs to be tidy and not DIRTY.  It does not need to be spic and span.

Serve Less

What makes me most happy about hosting the family dinner is relaxing and hanging out with my family.   Because I do not like to clean, we eat on paper plates with disposable utensils.    I have a beautiful set of China in the butler’s pantry.  Everyone can enjoy my beautiful platesy as they grab a slice of pie from the table below the cupboard.  I will not be spending my time scrubbing plates and utensils clean when I should be relaxing with my family.  Since my priority is spending good quality time with my family, I  do not want to be serving everyone else.  I want to be able to sit down and enjoy a peaceful dinner. With that in mind, I set up the party in ways that make it easy enough for everyone to serve themselves, dispose of their trash, and find supplies if we are running low.

Create Wonderful Memories

We decided as a family that we did not want Christmas to be all about the presents.  However, we also did want each person to be able to open a present.   We wanted present time to be a way to spend time together as a family and to build lasting memories.  So we began the White Elephant Present Exchange.  Everyone brings a wrapped gag gift and puts it under the tree.  Everyone draws a number and gets to pick a gift when it is their turn.  They can unwrap a gift under the tree or steal someone else’s gift.  There is never a dull moment.  We are laughing and giggling and sometimes there have even been tears.

How to keep perspective during the holidays

For some reason holidays tend to be THE TIME OF YEAR that we reflect on our lives.  We think about what we should have done differently.  Often times, we feel disappointment when life circumstances are not what we wanted them to be.  We miss family and friends that are no longer with us or who were not able to join us.  AND THEN we pull up out social media accounts.  We look at our Facebook news feed and see the staged pictures that friends and family post.  Our thoughts become warped and we find ourselves wishing our lives were more like theirs.   Instead of choosing  to acknowledge that Facebook is a stage where people present what they want others to see, we lose perspective.   In these moments of weakness,  we need to recognize that the “real” family pictures look a lot more like this:

We also place too much importance on a silly holiday.  There are 365 days in the year.  Just because someone declared the last Thursday in November to be special, does not mean that it has to be.  The 25th day of December does not have to be any different than the 13th day of December.  It really is just another day.  The birth of Jesus can be celebrated in June if that is what makes you happy.   So, determine what makes the holidays special to you.   Spend time by yourself making that holiday special to you.  Balance the time with your friends and family so that you feel relaxed and refreshed instead of depleted and exhausted.

Make your health a priority

Remember the stress of the holidays can worsen your health.  There is a significant increase risk of depression and anxiety problems around the holidays.  Furthermore, people with ADHD who struggled to manage their normal work load will be easily overwhelmed by the demands of the holidays.  It is important to recognize and acknowledge the additional stress.  Reflect on the previous years and determine what changes you need to make.   Give yourself permission to say “no” and put yourself first.

About the Author

Amy Morrison is a psychiatric PA and is the Medical Director of Morrison Clinic Psychiatry.   She is the mother of 2 vivacious and amazing children.  She enjoys writing, crafting, playing soccer, and spending time with friends and family.